Today, I turn 40.
I’ve spent the past year+ facing my 40 fears to prepare for today.
On December 25th, I faced my 25th fear of singing, and sang in the church choir on Christmas Day. The picture on the left is me smiling with relief when I finally finished and was in the van ready to head home. The photo on the right is me at 10 years old as a sassy 4th grader. I loved singing, side ponytails, and turquoise blue. (You can’t see the matching turquoise moccasins I am wearing in this photo, but they are pretty rad.)
In the 30 years between these photos, I have changed a lot.
Even with all the changes, I have realized over the past year. that I have faced my fears, I am still the same Jen.
I believe that people can change, and I have made a lot of positive changes in my life over the past year.
I have also grown to appreciate the essence of who I am, and remember to honor that spunky 10 year old girl inside me.
Last week, I was talking to my friend Erin about turning 40.
“Oh. It will be great. You know what happened to me at 40? I stopped caring what anyone else thought, and decided to do what makes me happy.”
I’ve been thinking about what she said since then, and how it relates to the journey I have been on this past year. As I have faced my fears, I have realized that other people’s shoulds and shouldn’ts for me aren’t as important as being true to who I am, and becoming the person I am meant to be.
My word for 2016 was Becoming.
I worked on becoming a lot of different things.
A better daughter, granddaughter and friend.
I think that the greatest thing that I have become over this past year, is a better version of Jen.
I have become more comfortable in my own skin. There are still things that I want to change about myself, and I will continue to work on those things through out my life. I am proud of who I have become over the past year, and I see possibilities for my future in a way that I didn’t before.
I am not the type of person who is content to stagnate. I seek personal growth and discovery.
Last year, I was frightened of so many things. My fears had prevented me from peace in my life. I was tired of being scared, and missing out on opportunities to connect with others and understand myself better.
I decided to face my 40 fears.
At first, it was smaller choices like facing my 5th fear. I decided to call people on the phone, even though I didn’t want to. I was afraid because I couldn’t see body language to tell if the person I was talking to was interested in what I was saying, or if they wanted to talk to me just to be polite.
But, I did it anyway.
I still don’t love it, but I haven’t let the fear prevent connecting with people I love. I have made an active choice to reach out to talk to people I love more often on the phone, and in person.
Facing my 40 fears has made me love the parts of who I am that I am not always proud of acknowledging.
My favorite cake as a child was cherry chip with pink frosting. My mom would usually make it heart shaped since my birthday is right before Valentine’s Day. (Just like this picture of me when I turned 4.)
Not everyone likes cherry chip cake. Some people think that it’s too sweet, or too pink, or don’t like cake.
And that’s okay.
You don’t have to like the same thing that I do, or me for that matter. (Even though I think that you’re missing out on something sweet by knowing who I am.)
I am forty and I am fearless.
Genealogy Jen’s Challenge of the Week- What will you do today that you are afraid of? Face your fears. It can change your life. It has changed mine.
Awww have the happiest, most fabulous of birthdays Jen! If I had to choose a word for my 40, it would have been “life altering” because absolutely EVERYTHING changed for me. It was like I suddenly found the “oomph” I needed to be who I wanted to be and all else just fell to the wayside. I went back to school, I decided to do genealogy professionally, I had bariatric surgery, I wrote stories till my fingers hurt from typing so long, I took pottery classes and I made, not a bucket list, but a living list of things I had been too afraid to do all these years. I had always felt held back by fear, by people, by opinions and when 40 hit, it was like something clicked and I went “yah, know, screw it all… this is me!” 40 was like rebirth and it was refreshing. I hope you enjoy your 40’s! I sure am!
This little missive struck many chords. A few uh, er, decades beyond you, Jennifer, looking back for the restrengthening of those many wonderful characteristics that defined my emergence has been fun. Pictures really do help as does a meeting with people I knew way back when. To add to that list a confrontation or readdressing of the fears that have crept in for one reason or another is especially tantalizing. I applaud you.
Happy birthday to you! The 40s are a fabulous decade!
I love that I feel like we are going through a lot at the same time and I feel so connected when I read your words. (and of course I cried, I almost always do when I read your work..!). I too have worked on becoming the best version of myself and this past year have made leaps and bounds and it is terrifying to think that people won’t like the real me, still a lifetime work in progress—I am so proud of you Jen!